Bipolar for 25 years here: mixed states get more common as you become more tolerant to your medication - frighteningly so in fact. The euphoria that comes with highs doesn't happen as before, leaving you wired and irritable but with the energy to do stupid things to yourself and others.
I haven't ever been suicidal but this last year I've allowed myself to think about it because of the complete pointlessness of just about everything I've done (or more commonly, not done because it was pointless). Sigh.
How long did it take you to get tolerant to your medication?
I went through a round of neurochemically-inspired regret for the things undone this year too. It's not true; it's just a figment of our mood-states. I've found it helpful to remind myself constantly that thoughts and feelings are transient; actions are what really count. So no matter what I feel like, I can still function in some capacity.
Besides, you're on HN, you must be doing something right.
I would guess fifteen years to get tolerant. Of course I might just be mistaking medication effects for creeping age when it comes to lack of programming accomplishments.
I haven't ever been suicidal but this last year I've allowed myself to think about it because of the complete pointlessness of just about everything I've done (or more commonly, not done because it was pointless). Sigh.